Oh, hello…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve made a post. Life has been hectic over the last month and a half, but I’m back. I’m hoping to not be gone that long again. I’ve been busy with work, getting a part time job, and house/dog/baby sitting. When unexpected bills come up, you do what you have to do.

This post though I’m using as what I’m hoping will be a stepping stone into being able to do this a couple of times a year. I lost my dad in November, as I’m sure many of you have read in previous posts. I got to thinking about all the times I had been practically living in the hospital and not wanting to leave his side especially when he would be in the intensive care unit or the critical care unit. You often don’t think to grab some of the essential items you need because you never think that your loved one will end up in the ICU/CCU. Knowing first hand how quickly things can take a turn, I want to be able to provide care packages for those who have family members in the ICU/CCU who don’t want to leave to even go down to the gift shop to get something as simple as a phone charger. My hope is for my birthday and then for the anniversary of my dad’s passing is to be able to provide care packages with essential things such as a hair brush, phone charger, a toothbrush/toothpaste, a neck pillow, and some snacks for those late nights when you can’t sleep and don’t want cafeteria food. If you are interested in donating or sharing this, please visit David Siedelmann Memorial Care Package.

I want to let others know that they are not alone and that they will have items provided so they don’t have to have one additional thing to worry about.

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Mother’s Day

Nine year’s ago I was celebrating Mother’s Day with you. I bought you a card and it saddens me that that is all I can remember. I’m sure we went out for breakfast or that I may have bought you flowers, but I’m sad that I don’t remember much more than buying you a card nine years ago. Had I known that would be my last Mother’s Day with you I would have documented it so much better. I would have taken more pictures with you. I’m sorry I didn’t.
I know over the 23 years we had together we had our ups and downs like all mothers and daughters do. Looking back those arguments and disagreements mean nothing. You were the best mom a girl could ask for. Even though you were overprotective of me, you always made sure I was safe, allowed me to grow, develop my own thoughts and opinions, supported me when I switched from majoring in journalism to music, and you allowed me to experience a lot of pretty awesome things, including an unforgettable trip to NYC with dad after 9/11 so I could meet Kevin.
So much has changed since you’ve been gone and I still find myself reaching for the phone sometimes to call you and tell you about things and realize I can’t. That’s the one thing that hurts the most is not being able to share my successes with you and the progress I’m making in several different ways. I hate that I lost you way too soon, and even though I lost you in a way that I didn’t want to, I know it was a blessing because I know you didn’t like doctors or anything medical. I will always wish that I could have one more hug, one more conversation, one more I love you from you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and allowing me to be the person I am today. Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I love you and miss you.

“the princess saves herself in this one”

Sometimes you read a book and that book has a line in it that really hits your soul. Today has been one of those days. I was home today with a migraine and spent part of the day when I wasn’t sleeping reading a book titled “the princess saves herself in this one” by Amanda Lovelace. I found this book at Target and it intrigued me because the cover is so basic. It’s black with white print and the title drew me to it. I couldn’t be happier that I got this book. Parts of it are hard to read, but the one line in particular that hit my soul was this: “i am caught between mourning you & thinking your death saved me. – will you ever be able to forgive me?”

I’ll explain while this hit my soul. In the years before my dad passed there were many times that he was in the hospital and especially in life threatening situations, he would often say that he did not deserve to have me as a daughter. There were even a couple of times that he told me I should leave him and not come back to the hospital. These are things I’ve never shared before. But as an only child and knowing how fragile life is, there was no way that I would ever turn my back in my dad. He was all I had and I would do everything all over again.

Last summer when dad was really sick and I had to stay home from work for three months with him being in and out of the hospital, he told me he didn’t want me to sit at home every weekend worrying about him. He wanted me to go out with friends. I did on occasion, but knew deep down that I probably didn’t have much time left with him, so I made it a point to make as many memories as I could with him and I’m so glad I did.

However, when I read the line in the book today I realized that yes, I’m still mourning and grieving my father, but I also feel like his death saved me. These are feelings that came to the surface today and hearing his voice and conversations we had over the last seven years. He often told me he felt guilty because I couldn’t go out and do what I wanted. There were certainly times deep down I resented that I didn’t have the life I imagined. The night my dad passed he was the most lucid I had seen him in days. When he told me it was time to go I broke down, but was lucky to spend the last hour of his life with him. Even while actively dying my dad was more concerned about if I would be okay. It wasn’t until he came out and asked how I was going to take care of myself without him and telling him family and friends would make sure that I would be okay, that he let the morphine make him comfortable and that he closed his eyes and was rocking his head to the beat of Elvis tunes. After he died and now that almost six months have passed since I lost him, I feel like his death has saved me as well. My dad knew that I would be okay. He raised me well and I’m finally living life. He still finds ways to show me he is here with me like in NY as I was walking back to the subway after the half marathon, seeing an ad for an Elvis special on HBO at a bus stop. I literally looked up from my phone when the ad changed and seeing Elvis made me smile. I know he’s with me. As crazy as it may sound I feel like he knew that his passing would save me as well. He knew the sacrifices I made after mom died, and everything I had to do for him.

In looking back at my life since 23, I’ve been through so much. As much as life may have sucked at certain points and dealing with some of the stuff I had to deal with, I know I’m a stronger person because of it. I know I can handle what life throws at me. I know I have fantastic tribe around me. I would not be even half the person I am today without all I’ve been through. Life’s lessons have a strange way of popping up at the most unexpected times in our lives, like picking up this book, and reading that line that really hit me. I’m still learning every day and growing as a person. That’s all we can do. Learn from what we’ve been through and use those experiences to reach out to others to help them. That’s part of why I started this blog. It’s evolving into not just my personal stories about being a caregiver, but about finally living life in the way my parents would have wanted me to live life.

Remember to take things one day at a time or even one hour or minute at a time if you have to. Be grateful for all of your experiences in life, good or bad. That’s part of why I started this blog to share what life was as like as a caregiver, but it’s evolved into so much more and I’m working on something to help get my readers more involved and a way  I can give back to all of you, so keep your eyes peeled for a post on that soon.

Dear Me

About a month after my dad passed, Shape Magazine did a 40 day goal crusher challenge. This challenge wasn’t just about losing weight. Your goal could be anything you wanted it to be. During the 6 weeks we would be given Dear Me journaling to do. I loved doing these and don’t really know why I stopped. Last night I figured it was about time I sat down to write a Dear Me. The last few weeks haven’t been the easiest, and I needed to remind myself of some stuff, so here’s my Dear Me. If you’ve never done this before, I highly recommend doing it. The things you write may surprise you and it’s all for the better.

Dear Me, 

First off, STOP being so hard on yourself. You have been through hell and back. Yu can do anything you set your mind to. One bad day or moment doesn’t need to set you back. You’ve done so many things since Dad died almost sic months ago. You are getting your life back and it’s a great feeling. You didn’t have the traditional experiences of someone in their 20’s. You lost your Mom unexpectedly and then had to be your Dad’s caregiver. You sat in surgical waiting rooms, hospital rooms, and even made the hospital room your temporary home to make sure your Dad was getting the best possible care during life threatening situations. You did everything you could to make his life the best it could be from 2011-2017.

Now is your time to live your life and make your 30’s what you’re 20’s couldn’t be. You’ve made breakthroughs. You’ve had a friend make you cry at not one major event, but two this year. The first cry was because she helped you realize what’s been holding you back. The second is from seeing her face light up when you told her how far you went in the half marathon before a blister on your foot prevented you from finishing the last five miles. The tears were also from so many wonderful experiences and new friends who were made on a trip that you never thought you’d get to take. 

So, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are learning the root of what’s been causing your migraines. The fix isn’t exactly pleasant, but you know it will brig relief. You are making so may people proud of you. The changes you are making now will only make you stronger in the future. You are changing your narrative and the cards you were dealt in life. You learned that from a young ago life isn’t always fair. Shit happens. Don’t let it define you. You are better than that.

Take everything you have learned in the last year, the last six months, hell, the last month and be the best you can be. The changes you are making are inspiring others to make changes too. You are reaching people via your blog and sharing things you never thought you’d be sharing about being a caregiver, your generalized anxiety disorder, and life in general. Hopefully it is letting others know they are not alone in this world with their struggles. Keep on keeping on. You are destined to do great things in your life and you are making your parents proud even though they are no longer here. Keep sharing, keep loving yourself, your family, and your friends. 

Keep making yourself proud. 

Love, 

Me

Mental Health Awareness Month

It’s May and that means it’s Mental Health Awareness Month. I never used to be someone that had to deal with mental health issues until I was officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (also known as GAD) two years ago. I probably had GAD well before then due to the unexpected passing of my mom and then reliving those memories when my dad passed in November.

There is a lot of stigma around mental health illnesses and I know a lot of people tend to think that everyone has anxiety and to just get over things. However, with GAD there’s so much more to it than that. Anything can set it off and it can send you into a panic attack. I’ve hit some pretty low lows in my life over the last few years and have had panic attacks that have started one day and continue into the next. Part of what got me diagnosed with GAD was a work situation I was in. There was so much stress and everyday I went in I felt like I was walking on egg shells. During this time I was helping to not only cover different shifts when needed, but also taking care of my dad who had some life threatening illnesses during that time as well.

I know some people that deal with mental illness like to keep it to themselves, but society has created such a stigma around mental illness and I don’t think it’s right. Just because I have a mental illness like so many other’s doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person or that I’m going to go and do something crazy. I am lucky that I do have access to healthcare, medication, and a doctor who is supportive. I know a lot of people don’t have that and it makes me sad. I’m also not ashamed that I need medication to help my symptoms. I was much worse off before we found medication that worked for me. I’m on one medication daily, and then another as needed, mainly at night to help me sleep when I can’t get my brain to wind down to sleep.

I’m wanting to help end the stigma surround mental illness, so this month I will be sharing more about GAD, my experiences with it, and how I cope. Mental illness shouldn’t be viewed as scary. We have so many medical conditions out there that are a lot scarier than mental illness and there isn’t the stigma around them that there is around mental illness. If you would like to learn more about mental illness in general, you can check out the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Instagram Giveaway

I’m doing a giveaway on my Instagram account. My friend Jen had a book released last year called “Diet Right For Your Personality Type” in hard back and tomorrow it is being released in paperback! It’s not so much a diet book as it is a lifestyle book, which is fantastic.

This book is fantastic. There is a quiz in it to help determine your personality type, a description of the personality, a four week meal plan with some delicious recipes, and then workouts with pictures of the movements in the back of the book. This book has helped me a lot and I’ve gifted a few to friends over the last year. So if you are interested in getting one of these books. check out my Instagram account: cubbie_87. I’ll message the winners via Instagram.

When Life Knocks You Down

The last week has been a rough one for me. About a week before I flew to NYC, I started noticing I was having a lot of facial/sinus pain, along with left ear pain. These are the same symptoms I experienced a little over two years ago. In mid-December 2016 I thought what I had was a really bad head cold. Several people around me were sick and we all seemed to continue to pass it around to one another. I ended up going to one of the walk-in clinics in town to get checked out and discovered I had a bad sinus infection and was put on round of antibiotics because my sinuses were completely clogged and there was fluid behind my ear drum. Once I finished the antibiotics I was still having issues with my ears and with getting migraines. Not a fun combination.

I was referred to Otolaryngology (also known as Ear, Nose, and Throat) for a consult. I was started on a round of prednisone and ear drops for my ears. That made for an interesting experience. While the prednisone and ear drops helped with my right ear, my left ear was left unchanged. And on top of that prednisone gave me mild steroid psychosis. That’s not something you want to experience when you are the sole care giver for your dad, or when you are dealing with patient’s health everyday at your job. My left eardrum was retracted and pressing up against the first bone behind the eardrum. I was scheduled to have a tube placed in my left ear. This was the first time I ever needed a tube and it was done as an in office procedure, which was not fun at all.

When I started noticing these symptoms again, I went to get checked out. The doctor took a look in my ear and told me the tube was still in there. So I said, “It’s still in my eardrum where it’s supposed to be”, only to be told that it’s not and it’s just chilling in my ear canal. Fantastic! Over the last few weeks my migraines, face pain, and ear pain have returned with a vengeance. My medications haven’t really been helping the symptoms. I was home more this week than at work because of the migraines and not really being able to function. Today and Thursday have been the two days this week where I’ve felt pretty good. I go in in about a week and a half to have a new tube placed, which I’m dreading because I know it’s going to be super uncomfortable, but I’m also ready to get relief again.

As the title of this post indicates, life has knocked me down this week. I haven’t done much cooking this week because pulling pots and pans out of the cabinets is not pleasant when your head is pounding. I’ve bee drinking more caffeinated beverages for the extra caffeine, I’ve not bee drinking as much water as I should, I haven’t exercised in a week, and I’ve just been down because of not feeling well. Today I’m finally starting to feel normal again and I’m hoping this continues until I get the new tube in. I know feeling crappy is only temporary, but in the moment it seems like it will never end.

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